How is it that sometimes we get stuck on this endless road? It's the road between our past - which represents the things we used to love, to enjoy - and our future - the things that are to come. This is where I am right now. In the middle of nowhere. It's like a transition. Another initiation path. I'm starting to become sick of all this waiting. Things just refuse to happen quicker, sooner. Am I to blame? Should I act, instead of just wait? And if so, how should I do it? Just go and run blindly...but for what purpose? Is it not too risky, too foolish?
When I think about different moments in my past, they all feel so joyful, so full of feelings, so strong! It's like reading a book. A good one. I think about all those great times, when not necesarily good things happened, but they just...happened. It's not like I really miss all those times. But I reflect about them, I look at them through different angles, different moods. It's fascinating but in the same time it saddens me. All those things...there's a lack of them inside me. Remembering about them feels good but also feels horrible at the same time. The question is - to I want all those moments back - right here? Right now?
It's odd...but the answer is no. I don't want all of that to happen all over again. What is in the past should remain in the past. Feeding from it, it only makes it worse.
Why would I want them back? Sure, they were unique, special, unforgetable. But I've learned so many things after they all happened. I am a lot different from what I used to be back then. So it's impossible to have them back, because they would never be written in time the same way. I'm not the same. I would not make the same choices, I would not act the same. It would be another story, another chapter...
I feel a change...strangely enough, it's not going back to a better day. It goes forward, where all is unknown and as misterious as it could be. It's the future. The inevitable fog, darkness, the lack of control. That's how the future stands. And I embrace it! I am letting it to engulf me. It would mean feeling like a stranger in a no-name town. This is where the change in mine occured. I can't wait for it to strike me, to make me deal with anything I need to. I am not afraid anymore of the unknown. I want it to come!
I am different. It's like a blink of madness caught me and made me think, wait and eventually act like I wouldn't have...ever. But how long is "ever"? Sometimes last for ages...forever - as you may formulate it. Other times, it's short, so short that you spend more time reflecting over it...more than it even lasted.
Fuck it all. Fuckin' no regrets! Rise! Raise your head from the ground - look up! Look forward! Stop regreting things, stop thinking how it was and how it still may be if the choices were different. The choices were not different, everything had already happened and about them there's nothing to do. But about how everything else is going to be...it's all under your control. The choices are now yours. You have taken the hit, endured the pain, clenched your fists in anger, sweared revenge to whatever it hurt you. Stop wasting your time, energy and soul on something that you cannot control. It's beyond your reach. You are now imune. It's time to find out if you're actually stronger now!
You find out by walking forward not by taking regretful looks in the back. Fuck that. You will stop doing that.
I think about myself. Of how I was...let's say - one year ago. I laugh at that naive boy, of his stupid decisions and silly dreams. Two years ago - already I feel ashamed. I don't want to identify with that anymore. Those kind of memories are to much to bare. Three months ago...so much better than the first two, but still pathetic, still weak, still without that anger.
Now here I am. Wiser, maybe a bit insane. What makes me different is the anger, the native feeling. I care less, but I'm in the same time more sensitive to everything around me...I watch things differently.
Anger. How do I get rid of it? Do I want to? Do I need no? Will I?
Maybe the anger is a mistake. Althought it doesn't mean it's violence. Anger means sarcasm, irony - means to be a bit mean, a bit bitter about everything. But still, it gives a fresh sensation in you head - you can think better and judge things so, so different.
I don't want to get rid of it. I will not.
Things change. They never remain the same. It would be weird and eventually boring if they would. People change. All these...modifications. They could be big or little...so little that you can barely notice them. To me...I feel it's gigantic.
Soon enough, we will see if I'm right.