Earthquakes shake our lives all the time. It just happened that tonight we all felt it together. Do we really need to dramatize that much about it? Are we that ignorant that we cannot recall those other moments? Sure, we did not felt all those things together, but individually. Is the effect lesser? What does it take to realize that deep inside we are seriously shaken? And when I say shaken I don't refer to that tiny 5 degree thingy.
I don't mean to sound arrogant or cocky in any way by saying that, it's just... It was a natural phenomenon and somehow we all got a bit shocked, scared and all that. In reality it was nothing serious and it's just childish and superficial to act in such a way for a thing like that.
Where do I want to go with this? No, really...where does all of this goes?
Do remember that these are secret whispers...Do you hear as they are blown in the wind together with their secrecy. Who will hear these whispers? Who will understand them?
I'm really starting to get used with the earthquakes that take place within myself. Blow after blow, they just keep coming. Either stronger or weaker they don't seem to stop. It's as if my soul was just a peaceful sea...you know...a vast, calm and endless amount of water that represented inner peace, strenght and confidence. Now...it's preety much gone. Well, I guess it was never that calm. Vast and endless - for sure! But it was never calm. Still, for a while it had been quiet and unfortunately I got used with it. A bit too much. And now that it's almost gone, it hurts. It really does.
In such a short amount of time it became a piece of me and then...then it ran away. What am I really talking about? Hard to say, hard to explain, hard to show...there were certain elements that meant a lot. But that thing...my so-called inner peace - as it started to disappear I began to hate it - a lot. Actually I still hate it. I don't really know if still there's some of it in there...but I hate it! I hate it so much that I just want to end with it. It was like a drug (wasn't it from the beginning?) and it lasted that little but consumed so much of me...It's unfair. I'm full of anger and frustration about it. Endless questions go through my head right now. Why did I had to taste it anyway from the beginning? Why to feel that better and that complete and then bleed from yourself with so much pain? Why did all those things happen? For what? Who won from those? Do they represent anything right now, except pain? Memories? They...they make you feel even worse considering the lack of what you have right now.
Actually... fuck memories, fuck pleasure, fuck it all! It wasn't worth it! Not when you feel like this right now. It was just a waste of my soul and a serious waste of time. Just fuck'em all!
How sad is it that a song that talks about anger, revenge, frustration makes me feel better? Should I be scared that one day I'll just lose control? What will it happen then?
That growl, that guitar, those lyrics - they shouldn't be a part of me (it just ain't right) but still they are. They make me feel better. They're a pure relief!
And I know it hurts me, although it removes the pain for the moment, it never takes it away for good. Nope! The good old bitchy pain will alway come back.
But still...there I am again - I can just imagine myself - locked in my room - standing there - screaming and headbanging. It's weird to look at that song that way...but it's how it is...how it always will be - and there you go - without knowing it, I just quoted from that song. It definitly is a part of me right now. Anger, revenge, frustration - look at me now - this is what I have become.
Why do I write in english? Does it make me feel hidden? Does it help? Is english an alternative escape? Neglecting it for that long...it sure was a mistake.
Shhh...anywhere the wind blows...